Unicorns, Dire Wolves, and Platypi, Oh My

So no shit, there I was, facing off once again against Torquil the Black Bull, bane of my clan, when out of the woods stepped the oddest assortment of creatures a man had ever laid eyes on.  Leading the procession was a Fey creature riding a rainbow unicorn, mane Sparkling in the wind.  A man with a Fear-some visage riding a blue unicorn was next to follow, though the beast moved oddly.  Another unicorn Swiftly galloped to join the others, tossing its head irritably when the rider called out “Whoa, Maude!”  A stag and a moose (each bearing riders) burst from the woods, pursued by a man wearing Silvertoed boots and  riding a dire wolf.

And then the most fearsome creature known to man entered the clearing.  Venom dripped ominously from wicked spurs on its legs.  A huge mouth gaped open, surely able to crush the skulls of its victims.  A flat tail, near unto a beaver’s, slammed the ground, shaking the earth as it approached. Yes, my friends, it was the… Dire Platypus!

Taking advantage of the confusion, I jumped onto the back of the Black Bull.  Surprised, the Bull charged Maude.  The rider swiftly drew her sword and spurred Maude back into a gallup.  A fence ran between us, and as we neared each other, the rider struck at me.  I belatedly swung back, but the Bull had already carried past the duo.  At the end of the fence, I brought the Bull under control, but the rider charged me again.  The Bull, never one to meet a threat any way but head-on, fought off my hand and flew with reckless abandon down the fence-line again.  Seeing no other choice, I struck my opponent a mighty blow.

The others found this to be great sport, and soon my fields were trampled to mud by clashing opponents.  And to my great surprise, the Fey broke a glamour on the blue unicorn, which was revealed to be a brace of dire chihuahuas.  Although I did my best to drive these mysterious creatures off my land, it was not until the Fey emerged victorious did they finally leave.

And that, me laddies, is why the land at Seige of Talonval is so torn up.

Getting Leonidas’ Goat

Och, it’s a cold and blustery night.  There’s nae a better time for a hot fire, a dry whisky, and a tall tale.  There I was, travelin’ tae the east on pilgrimage, when I came upon a band of like-minded pilgrims, beset by local brigands in a narrow mountain pass.  Bein’ a brave sort, I rallied my fellows and pushed the brigands back.  Three times we fought them off, razin’ their hovels as we went.  But then the slimy rats got reinforced, and we were forced into a defensive posture.  The first wave we fended off handily, but were overrun and forced tae retreat twice.  Then, to make matters worse, we were forced into a passage that had a narrow goat path.

Attacked on two fronts, we had tae beat two more hasty retreats.  But when all seemed lost, we managed tae rout the brigands once again.  Emboldened by our success, we assaulted the brigands’ mountain camps. Aided by the locals tired of the depradations, we turned the brigands tactics upon them.  Twice we routed them and set their camps ablaze.  Finally, there remained but one left.  Though shattered and broken, if left alone they would return tae terrorize other pilgrims.  So we prepared for one final battle.

Nothing is more dangerous than a wounded and cornered beast.  With sheer desperation on their side, I knew we needed an unorthodox strategy.  With that in mind, we set out on our grim task.

So no shit, there I was, standing by myself on the main approach tae the last camp.  At the pre-arranged signal, I roared, the echoes bouncing off the crags like a pride of lions, and charged up the slope, stomping as loud as I could.  I was met by the majority of the brigands, buying the time needed for the rest of my band to sneak up the goat path and begin slaughtering those hapless louts what hadn’t abandoned their posts.  Finally, the brigands realized their peril and turned tae engage my comrades, but the damage was done.  Leaving two of their best fighters tae engage me, the brigands eventually forced my allies to retreat, but their numbers had been reduced tae two plus my two.  They turned to engage me.  Thinkin’ fast, I shouted an order tae them as if they were me own men.  Once again, my ruse worked!  One o’ my opponents, thinking he was being attacked from behind, turned and skewered the leader of the brigands and her henchman in one single, fluid motion.  Now it was down tae just me and the two remaining brigands.

Recklessly, I threw myself intae the battle, the berserker blood of my Viking ancestors singin’.  Ever so slowly I was pushed down the narrow mountain pass, my opponents unable tae flank me.  Once more, I set a clever ruse.  One o’ my blades is nearly 3 hands longer than the other.  I repeatedly engaged him with my shorter blade, fending off the other brigand with my longer blade.  Finally, I left him an opening, seemingly letting my blade dip too far tae recover.  He lunged for me shoulder, which I pivoted out o’ the way as I finally brought my longsword into engagement, piercing his throat.  The final brigand, winded and demoralized, soon fell.

And that, me laddies, is how the Pass o’ Thermopylae was cleared of brigands at PAoD.

Pumpkin Slayer

Ah, laddies, pass around that whisky and listen to the story of the Pumpkin Slayer.  ‘Twas a cold and blustery October day, and I had put off my decision as long as I could.  My heel wouldn’t heal, so I had to quickly gather my bolts and bow for Procrastinators’ Brawl.  There would be no fencing for me.  We arrived with a minute to spare for me to enter my project in the Arts & Science competition.  It was a quiver I started in 1998 for my lady.  I should get around to finishing it one of these days.  Eventually, I wandered over to the archery range.  It wasn’t up yet, so I took a nap.  We’d eventually get around to shooting, after all.  It was Procrastinators, what’d you expect?

A call to arms!  Invaders!  Treasure to the one who drives the most off!  After a fair showing, we drove them off.  But then the undead arrived.  Shoot them in the skull!  Excellent aim, that showed ’em.  Wait, what’s this?!  A possessed pumpkin?  Kill it. KILL IT!!!  And so I did.  Oh, Jack was a right cheeky bastard, so that’s where I put the first shot.  Then I got him right between the eyes.  But it kept coming.  So I punched one right down it’s gullet – and through.  Afterwards, I tried to retrieve my bolts, but they were buried so deep we had to perform an autopsy on the jack-o-lanterns’ corpse.

Final score: 3+15+9=27 for second place.  But the winner was the person who ran the contest.  Which means:

TREASURE!