Och, it’s a cold and blustery night. There’s nae a better time for a hot fire, a dry whisky, and a tall tale. There I was, travelin’ tae the east on pilgrimage, when I came upon a band of like-minded pilgrims, beset by local brigands in a narrow mountain pass. Bein’ a brave sort, I rallied my fellows and pushed the brigands back. Three times we fought them off, razin’ their hovels as we went. But then the slimy rats got reinforced, and we were forced into a defensive posture. The first wave we fended off handily, but were overrun and forced tae retreat twice. Then, to make matters worse, we were forced into a passage that had a narrow goat path.
Attacked on two fronts, we had tae beat two more hasty retreats. But when all seemed lost, we managed tae rout the brigands once again. Emboldened by our success, we assaulted the brigands’ mountain camps. Aided by the locals tired of the depradations, we turned the brigands tactics upon them. Twice we routed them and set their camps ablaze. Finally, there remained but one left. Though shattered and broken, if left alone they would return tae terrorize other pilgrims. So we prepared for one final battle.
Nothing is more dangerous than a wounded and cornered beast. With sheer desperation on their side, I knew we needed an unorthodox strategy. With that in mind, we set out on our grim task.
So no shit, there I was, standing by myself on the main approach tae the last camp. At the pre-arranged signal, I roared, the echoes bouncing off the crags like a pride of lions, and charged up the slope, stomping as loud as I could. I was met by the majority of the brigands, buying the time needed for the rest of my band to sneak up the goat path and begin slaughtering those hapless louts what hadn’t abandoned their posts. Finally, the brigands realized their peril and turned tae engage my comrades, but the damage was done. Leaving two of their best fighters tae engage me, the brigands eventually forced my allies to retreat, but their numbers had been reduced tae two plus my two. They turned to engage me. Thinkin’ fast, I shouted an order tae them as if they were me own men. Once again, my ruse worked! One o’ my opponents, thinking he was being attacked from behind, turned and skewered the leader of the brigands and her henchman in one single, fluid motion. Now it was down tae just me and the two remaining brigands.
Recklessly, I threw myself intae the battle, the berserker blood of my Viking ancestors singin’. Ever so slowly I was pushed down the narrow mountain pass, my opponents unable tae flank me. Once more, I set a clever ruse. One o’ my blades is nearly 3 hands longer than the other. I repeatedly engaged him with my shorter blade, fending off the other brigand with my longer blade. Finally, I left him an opening, seemingly letting my blade dip too far tae recover. He lunged for me shoulder, which I pivoted out o’ the way as I finally brought my longsword into engagement, piercing his throat. The final brigand, winded and demoralized, soon fell.
And that, me laddies, is how the Pass o’ Thermopylae was cleared of brigands at PAoD.